All you read here is an ongoing attempt to ‘catch’ the unspoken and express it in words, to picture what I see within, to express what I am. My videos and texts are like snippets of the whole, rays of the ever-present light, sparkles of ‘stardust’.
Although striving for perfection, I know that nothing resembles the alréady perfect. Trying to speak, paint or film the unlimited, I run into the apparent limitations of form.
If you add up all that is found on my website, maybe thén it will give you a taste of what I am pointing to, and come from.
Just as it is in life, there séem to be separate pages, images and sentences, but in reality it is one indivisible, unlimited, seamless whole.
Holding a warm cup of tea, feeling the breeze on my skin, perceiving clouds in the sky, walking alongside the river, a bird singing its song, sitting, hands folded. It is all beingness being. Even form is a doorway, revealing it is made of the very Now that is always present. We don’t have to deny form. We don’t have to discard it.
Maybe for a while, yes, to establish, to know, to acknowledge that What we are is never trapped in form. That we are never limited by ‘things’. But at a certain point What is discovered through exclusion, ‘wants’ to include all of life. To see and above all experience that it is all, already, made of being. Being what It is. What I is.
One might call it mindfulness, this 'being aware of forms and experiences'. But once we have recognized what we really are, and are present as that, there is intimacy in being present now...the grace of experiencing everything ás Now. Life is here. And Here is no thing. But it does dance as all there is.
All I longed for
I noticed there is this habitual drive to move towards some, often abstract, goal. Trying to become happy, fulfilled, peaceful. Something within does not take the time to just be.
But when I am here, when I pause in the midst of the movie, there is such a relief. Being present in this moment in time, I ám Presence, I am the Timeless.
It is intimate…só intimate that there is no room for ‘two’. It feels closer than close. It is where the one I thóught to be is no more.
That which is compelled to go on, hurts. But, because everything can be ‘used’ to deepen our understanding, even pain reveals ‘the way to go’. The path is in the pathless, it is the immediacy of now. Here, as this, in this, there is nothing to do, nothing to be, nothing to become. There is no ‘where’ to go.
In the beginning I did not know what ‘abiding’ meant. It was not my own lived experience. But I did know what it was like to stop and listen. There had been these unexpected moments of ‘dead silence’.
Once I was walking in a forest, and heard some rare bird singing a magical song. I ‘held my breath’, listened with my whole body, my attention was ‘on hold’ and I waited, hoping the bird would sing again. In the stopping everything turned silent, it was so still…no time, no things, just this ‘field’ of vibrating emptyness.
That listening was as beautiful as the bird’s song, and I didn’t need the bird to sing anymore for any magic to appear. I know now that the very same is present whenever I ’listen’. I know that this open-hearing is an ‘abiding as I am’. Not focused on any ‘thing’, but being the very listening itself.
Living like a Saint
Once a week I attend a meditation group, an initiative from our local churches. For me the terms used, or the conventional way of speaking of God is not a problem. It’s just lovely to sing hymns together, or rest in God, while knowing what I am.
The pastor and I have developed a wonderful friendship. He is open, and open towards non-duality. Since he knows the meaning of ‘namaste', he greets me in that way. One time, after a precious meeting, we sat down with a coffee in the restaurant nearby. Whe were looking into the aspects of life one could call ‘difficult’. The pain, the suffering, but constantly against the background of something deeper. Of God, of the unlimited, of I am.
At a certain point he said to me: “You are living like the Saints. Facing and being with the hardships or challenges within the Holy”. And we both burst out laughing when I said: “That’s why it’s called Holy Shit !!”.
Have you ever noticed that words are only sounds? We think they mean something, because that is what we’ve learnt: ‘mom, ball, sky, tea, rain, fear’. It is all stored in our personal computer, saved in our head. Terabytes of memory. We ‘google’ and instantaneously the right word pops up.
It serves the purpose of communication beautifully. In practical ways, but also in songs, literature, poetry, divine texts. Strings of words that can resonate, or remind us of our true being!
Isn’t it interesting though, that names are just sounds agreed upon? The sound ‘I’ in English usually points to the body, but once it is recognised we know I is Awareness. I is what we are. In Japan the sound ‘I’ (ai) means love, while in the Netherlands we decided ‘aai’ means stroking the skin.
Without meaning, what is a sound really? Without calling it ‘sky’, ‘tea’, ’fear’, what is it? What remains of the ‘power’ of thoughts when we discover they are empty? When listened to as if it were music…what is their significance?
When we ask the learned, we come up with the learned. But when we ‘ask’ Awareness, when we look at the world ás Awareness, resting our attention Here, then all is revealed to be made of the same. Of aware being. True answers come from the ‘One’ that réally knows what ‘any thing’ is.
Then ordinary sentences become mantras. Words are like the sound of a waterfall, a bumble bee, or the wind blowing through dry leaves. Awareness is singing its impersonal song, in conversations, in ordering a coffee, or bread at the bakery, but never ceasing to be itself.